How to Talk to Someone About Gambling

"You’ve noticed the signs of problem gambling in a loved one, and you’re worried. You caught them gambling when they said they would cut back, or they skipped a family event to chase a winning streak. They are becoming isolated, and you’re frightened about their safety and the financial impact."

This jarring account from support service Gambling Help Online hints at why the first conversation about a loved one's gambling risks so easily spinning out of control, and why the first words matter so much.

"There is no right or wrong way to have this conversation - it will be different for everyone. It is important that you feel comfortable and safe," advises Gambling Help Online, the national support service funded to provide free, confidential support to anyone affected by gambling.

But its main advice echoes that given to reporters by other national services such as GambleAware NSW and GamCare: choose a private, distraction-free setting, use non-judgmental, open-ended questions, and plan an ending that signals support services are available.

Setting Up the Conversation

"Expect the unexpected, and try to choose a time when both you and they are more likely to be calm," warns the family guide on GambleAware NSW, the support service.

"Have the conversation when you are both calm and have time to talk. Avoid having the conversation when they are gambling or mentally preoccupied with gambling, or when you are upset, angry, or if you or they have been drinking or using drugs."

Gambling Help Online echoes that non-confrontational framing: hold the conversation when the other person is calm and open to talking, pick a location where you both feel comfortable but without interference, and think beforehand about how the person might respond.

"Reflect on your goals for the conversation, and think about what might happen based on conversations you have had in the past," it advises.

"Remember, it can be hard to start the conversation, and hearing your concerns might be difficult for the person. They might feel embarrassed, resentful, or that someone has judged them, even if it was not your intention. If you notice they are very defensive, or the conversation is not going well, try to stop the conversation and take a break."

Opening Lines That Reduce Defensiveness

Limiting those reactions starts with who says what first. It means a familial conversation that channels the family member's worry.

"Before you start, think about what you are going to say," advises Gambling Help Online. "It might be helpful to state how you feel, rather than telling them what they do. For example: instead of ‘You do not go to family dinners, you do not go on a trip with us, because you would rather spend that money on gambling’, try ‘I feel upset and hurt that you have not joined us for a family dinner and on a planned holiday with us, and I suspect that may be because of gambling’."

Use "I" statements, it adds, rather than "you." "It helps to find your own voice, rather than telling or ordering others to do something."

GambleAware NSW advises similar approaches to keep the focus on the loved one, but while keeping it on their responses. "Ask open questions, for example, ‘What has been going on for you?’, ‘Is there anything I can help with?’," it writes.

"Do not be afraid of silence. Give your loved one the opportunity to answer. Avoid sounding judgmental or critical. Try to understand your loved one’s view. Show empathy, let them know that you are concerned and wish to help."

If and when options are discussed, the services warn, avoid pushing it. Giving the gambling helplines' contact details is positive, GambleAware NSW adds, without immediately pressuring them to take up professional counseling or treatment services.

What Support Services Say to Offer Next

The first contact with professional support comes when the family member voices a willingness to hear from a qualified support person.

Gambling Help Online, reached on its helpline, would say, "We are here to support family and friends affected by someone's gambling, and we offer support to people who are gambling themselves too."

"The National Gambling Helpline team is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and the call is free from landlines and mobiles."

"They can provide support to you if you are a family member or friend of someone who gambles, or the person who gambles - it does not matter. They can also provide support to the person who gambles, if they are willing to take on that support."

In a crisis situation, with safety at risk, services may refer callers to

Lifeline’s crisis response service, available 24/7. That crisis number is 13 11 14 when a call is needed urgently.

When a Gambling Conversation Becomes Urgent

In their guidance to family members of gamblers, the services milk their expertise and telephones, rather than enlisting police or psychiatric help.

They focus their questioning on financial loss, not reporting severity, and they are often required to warn about the risks of a family member re-paying debts. If this happens, the severity of the gambling issue can increase. If a person experiencing gambling harm knows they will be bailed out, they are less likely to see the urgency of seeking help, which could prolong the gambling behaviour and financial harm."

Gambling Help Online prompted the author to consider what happens if response advice is refused, or the situation feels unsafe. When asked, it replied "If you feel your immediate safety may be threatened, if you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 000 and request police assistance."

In preparation for this article, the author reached out to the Victorian Gambling and Casino Control Commission which said, "If you think someone’s life is in danger, call 000 straight away.

"If you are worried about your gambling or if someone you care about is struggling with their gambling, Lifeline can help. They provide 24-hour crisis counselling, support groups and suicide prevention services. You can reach them by phone on 13 11 14, text 0477 13 11 14 or chat online at lifeline.org.au."

But this pointed to the underlying difficulty in these conversations, and the reason the services fall back on pointing people to general helpline and referral services. The organizations have no specialist family call centre for worried relatives of those who gamble.

Knowing What Not to Do

So while they do not have a family-friendly response that goes further than the gamblers' risk-management journey, they do have advice about tackling the topic.

"The Gambling Helpline offers a free, confidential service via phone, web chat, and WhatsApp. It is open 24 hours a day, every day of the year. People can contact the service to discuss:

• Worries about their own gambling, or that of a friend or family member
• Relationship difficulties
• Financial issues
• Feelings of being trapped or unable to change
• How to access local groups and services for free and confidential support
• What help is available
• How to find help in other places around the world
• Anything else that is bothering them."

With the services not mandated to offer specific support to worried relatives, only family members, most say it is possible to speak to a staff member who is trained to work with families.

One of those staff members said there was one key mistake that a lot of family members make around timing, and that was trying to have a conversation around gambling when emotions and tensions were already running high.

However, there risks being a critical gap in signaling the urgency of the support options available - and of what sort of support organization is best able to help. The services seem to still leave family members responsible for the first crucial talking points, while the role of trained counselors remains fuzzy in comparison.

The problem is compounded when issues turn financial and the dilemmas are presented as requiring borderline financial management as well as emotional support. of Gambling Helpline said:

"Someone might feel they need to hide their credit cards from their partner to stop them access to money, but that could escalate tensions and stress in the relationship. This is where that fine line comes in, between stopping someone from doing harm and respecting their independence, as well as the legal and ethical considerations."

This is why the services shy away from providing practical advice to family members, and concentrate on de-stressing and signposting.

"Telling someone that they cannot access their credit card is an easy way to get someone angry at you and lead to them getting defensive," says Morris. "Then you have that, on top of the stigma around gambling problems, all pressing down on you and making the pressure even worse

So what Gambling Help Online advises, in sum, is to "find a time to have a private and calm conversation with the person. Walk in listening, understanding; full of empathy rather than blame."

What it cannot add is many listed steps for when that support is refused, beyond a return to the helpline's general telephone number.